2 months and wearing thin...

Can you believe it?! Ella was 2 months old yesterday! Boy is time flying. I start back to work today, though I'll be working at home until I can get the little stinker to take a bottle. So far, she'll have absolutely nothing to do with it, despite the fact that I've tried 3 different bottles with different nipples. Oh well. She'll take it when she's ready. One of the wonderful things about working at HP is that they let me telecommute, so I can get back to work and just keep Ella here at home with me. Once she's taking bottles, I'll go to the office once a week like I did before and telecommute the other 4 days. Although I would love to be able to stay home with my kids, I could not have a better company to work for and am so thankful to HP and Christine (my boss) for being so accomodating to our family. :)

Ella has been such a smiley girl this week. She does most of her smiling while she's laying on her changing table. The other day I got some good pictures. I'll have Matt post one here. Matt even got her to giggle a little a couple of times. It's so much fun to see her interacting with people more and starting to be a lot more alert when she's awake. She just needs to slow down a little on the growing up thing. I need more time to enjoy her as a baby! :)

I know there's nothing odd or weird about it, but boy am I finding it difficult to handle 2 kids. Owen was such an easy baby that even though he was our first, it was a relatively easy adjustment to having him around. Adding Ella to the mix has been such a challenge for me. She's also a very good baby, but she's very demanding (much like her big brother) and requires a lot of attention when she's awake. So far she still sleeps alot, so I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it when she's awake more of the time. I feel so guilty for being relieved to have Owen back at school. It helps a little to know that he really likes it there and enjoys playing with the other kids, but I want to be able to have them both at home without wanting to pull my hair out after an hour. Even with Owen at school all day long, I get stressed out in the evenings and get very grumpy. At about 9:30-10:30, my body just shuts off and says it's time to go to bed. The problem is that no one else in my house is ready so I have to try to find the energy and patience to play with Owen, feed and hold Ella, feed Dadda if he hasn't eaten yet, clean the kitchen up so nothing is there to rot over night, etc. Owen gets so grumpy in the evenings after school too, so it just tests me severely and I easily loose my patience with him whining and pulling on me. I think he just gets really worn out at school and is tired when he gets home, but even at 10:30, when I know he has to be exhausted, he refuses to go to sleep. I try to lay down with him to help he go to bed, but it never fails that Ella wants to eat or fuss right about the same time. She doesnt calm down very well with Dadda, so I almost always have to get up to tend to her which makes Owen want to get up and it's just a cycle that's driving me crazy! I know all moms struggle with getting things situated when new babies are added to the mix, but I feel like I'm just not wired to handle it well. That depresses me a lot because I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom with lots of kids. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm still working because that's what's best for me and I'm just not made to be a stay at home mom. For that matter, I'm not sure I could handle any more kids... of course it would be a few years before we'd be ready for another, but I just dont know! I know I dont need to worry about keeping a clean house, but I feel like I'm just keeping my head above water and only getting enough done to get by. I dont have a clean house - in fact, it's a gross pig sty. I can only keep up with laundry enough to have at least 1 pair of clean underwear and the sink is ALWAYS full of dishes with various kinds of food all over them. We only see the living room floor for about 5 minutes at a time because toys are always spread all over and I'm about to kill myself tripping on blocks and toys in the kitchen and hallway. I dont want live like a neat freak, but it would be so nice to keep the sink clean (to avoid any gross smells that might develop) and to keep at least some clothes clean and put away. I could use a lot of prayer in area this right now. I need patience in dealing with my kids and lots of love to show them every day. And I need help finding a way to juggle life. Now that I'm starting back to work, I'm really worried about how I'm going to be able to do everything. Any advice is very welcome, so please share. I know I'm not alone, but I dont see the others who are like me! All my friends seem to have their acts together and at least have tidy homes and some sanity. :)

Well, I needed to get that off my chest as I've been near a breakdown many nights this week. Please pray for me and our family. :) God can do all kinds of neat things if we remember to rely on him.... if only I could remember that more often!